The diary

memoir, Road Mangler DeLuxe.

''I said, 'Look at the lips.

That's Mick Jagger. That's ID for you, just look at the lips.''' It worked, too.

Wrong notes

THE Caledon Tenors - the kilted chaps who belt out Flower of Scotland at disco speed before rugby and football internationals - were singing and helping pack shoppers' bags at Falkirk's Asda this week to promote Radio Scotland's music shows as part of the radio station's 25th anniversary celebrations. Despite the fact that the Caledon boys were in kilts and singing, some of the Falkirk shoppers didn't quite work out who they were. In fact, by the end of an hour the trio had picked up more than (pounds) 6 in tips from

shoppers grateful for having their bags packed. Naturally, it was donated to charity.

Straight up

WE are saddened by the prurience of some other newspapers. The Sydney Morning Herald, for instance, reports that a poor chap fell from the upper floor of the Telstra Dome in Melbourne while at a Robbie Williams concert this week. Giving detail we're unsure we need, the newspaper quoted Telstra spokeswoman Susan Wood, who stated: ''Eye-witnesses said he wasn't even fully erect when he fell.''

What's in a name?

A London-based reader reckons he's found a bar-brasserie which, judging by the sheer pretension of its name, would be much more at home in Glasgow's G12 rather than its present location in Battersea High Street. Proudly billing itself as ''London's only acoustic jazz/gypsy-swing venue'', it's The Quecumbar.

l An unfeeling loudmouth in a bar was this week heard opining: ''Apparently the doctors are saying that Ozzy Osbourne is incoherent and having trouble walking after his quad bike accident - so how will they know when he's back to his old self?'' Shameful.

Hands up

CELTIC manager Martin O'Neill was interviewed on Good Morning Scotland yesterday, fulminating against his side's defeat by Lyon and defending Bobo Balde, the Celt whose arm-waving gave the French team their winning penalty. Martin said he felt sure Bobo's illegal contact with the ball was fleeting and unintentional. He also said he'd go and look at TV film footage, readily amending his decision in the light of solid visual evidence. Or as various readers are convinced Martin put it: ''If it really was a penalty, I'd put my hand up.''

Direct approach

IT'S just as well it was a Rangers devotee who was standing at a bus stop on Crookston Road on Wednesday night. Otherwise, there's no telling what directions might have been given to two

non-Glaswegians in a black four-wheel-drive who drew up asking the way to Ross Hall Hospital.

The pair were injured Georgian defender Zurab Khizanishvili and Dutch coach Jan Wouters, both cruelly denied a loan of the cash-strapped Ibrox club's one A-Z.

l Our request for punningly-named shops has now reached

the plainly silly level. Robbie Porteous asks: ''Is it true there's

an Indian restaurant in a small town near Stirling called Airth, Wind and Fire?''

Turkey time

SO A wee wifey goes into her local butcher's this week to order a turkey for Christmas, and looks at the sign saying they are (pounds) 1.80 a pound. ''Did you raise them yourself?'' she asks the butcher who tells her: ''Of course I did. They were only (pounds) 1.60 a pound this morning.''

And the point of that old joke is to launch our Christmas dinner disasters competition.

Tell us what went wrong at one of your Christmas dinners and

the winner each day next week

will be sent a bottle of Drambuie and a copy of the sumptuous

new Gourmet Glasgow recipe book to ensure it will be an

awful lot better this time

around. Mail, e-mail or phone; whatever suits.